What if you gave it just one more try?

I often hear from others how they are longing for close relationships. They wish they had a group of people they could meet with where genuine closeness could develop. Whether interacting with people online or in real life, the same cry rises up again and again: “Why can’t I find a group of people where I can be myself, where I can truly be known, and can really come to know others?” Many are longing for intimacy, for that safe space where they can be authentic and vulnerable, allowing their true selves to be seen and embraced by others.

With so many people wanting the same thing, why is it that so few are able to find this? It seems a very common longing, so you’d think no matter where you would turn it would be easy to find, but that just isn’t so. I think I’m beginning to discover the answer: Even though we are created for intimacy and we long for it, very few of us actually know how to enter into that type of relationship.

Longing for something doesn’t make it magically appear. I know that has certainly been true of the group I meet with. We had tried different forms of meetings for over a decade. We tried “organic” meetings where we determined that Christ alone would be the head of the meeting. We had many dinners and bonfires together. We did bible and book studies. We had prayer meetings. We had nights of worship. Furthermore, prior to that decade of attempts many of us had been part of cell groups, home fellowships, and small group studies. Many of these things were good and we certainly grew a little closer together throughout the years. However, we never gained what all of us were longing for. If effort and desire alone could produce genuine, authentic, deep vulnerability and intimacy we would have had them long ago. Words alone cannot describe the incredible commitment we had to finding what we were all looking for. Despite our commitment, it still was nowhere to be found.

We humans were created for intimacy, first with our creator and second with one another. It’s a longing in us no matter what culture we come from. But that deep longing by itself does not mean we will find the fulfillment of the desire of our heart. In fact, I believe that part of living in a fallen world ensures that we are not likely to stumble upon it even though the desire may be very strong within us. Most of us simply do not know how to have genuinely authentic, healing relationships with one another despite our earnest desire.

Our group has finally found what we have been longing for as we have learned how to develop a safe space of upholding each other’s dignity while being extremely vulnerable with each other. Here’s the surprise for me: It can be learned. We needed someone to teach us how to go down the path of vulnerability and authenticity together. We needed to learn how to navigate the brokenness that is in each of us in a way that brings restoration and wholeness, both to the individual and to the group. We needed someone to tell us that it was going to be very messy, chaotic at times, and show us how to navigate through the chaos. What we needed has come forth from our hearts as we’ve gone through the Thrive materials week after week.

This journey has enabled us all to be able crack open our hearts to reveal the deepest, most fearful and vulnerable parts of ourselves to one another. The questions asked called us out of hiding. The teachings made it safe to start to walk into the light. We had to be taught how to enter into what the Thrive materials call “communitas,” a place beyond just gathering together and having “fellowship” that moves us into restoration of our wounded hearts and lives, together. All of our effort and desire were of no value in getting us to where we wanted to be until we were led on this path of relating in new ways.

If you have the desire to meet in a real, authentic, and safe space but have tried and failed to achieve that more times than you care to admit, I’d invite you to try just one more time. Without exception, every single person in our group is so glad we took the risk to explore one more avenue. It turned out to be exactly what we needed and longed for.

I want to invite you to open your heart to the possibility that you, too, could learn with a group of people how to be authentic, real, and vulnerable as you walk the path of restoration together. It is such a remarkable journey.

The Thrive group that I’m part of just finished our second quarter. We had a mini-retreat last weekend and we’ll be starting our third quarter next week.  I’ve been reflecting on our past two quarters, especially the changes that I’m seeing in all of us.  

One part of the Thrive materials that we’re using calls for allowing for a time of ‘clearing’ during every meeting, if it’s needed. Clearing is “…an opportunity to provide clarity to an issue, resolve any misunderstandings, or provide a format for conflict resolution leading to reconciliation” (taken from Thrive Ministries Leadership Manual, page 37). The manual goes on to say: “When a clearing is announced it can create a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety in the room” (page 36).

Our group definitely felt fear when the topic of clearings was first explored. We were all pretty tense during the first few months of walking through the time of clearings. There are four levels of clearings, and each of them seemed to carry their own level of fear within our group:

• Clarity
• Misunderstandings
• Unintentional Harm
• Deep Clearing

We have clearings nearly every week. Now, however, there is very little fear present when it’s time for this part of our gathering. Instead, they are actually looked forward to. I think the reason why is because this is the time when real relationships and trust are being formed. They bring out the real in each of us. It’s so easy to hide behind what we know to be true. But clearings bring out in each of us how much we are unable to walk in the truths we hold so dear. They show us the limits of our love, the limits of our trust. When this is done in the context of upholding each person’s dignity and being willing to fight for the person and not against him or her, each of us is strengthened in our walk of truth, love, kindness and mercy. Because there is only a desire for reconciliation, our hearts are knitted closer together, not torn apart during clearings. This, to me, is part of what authentic relationships look like.

If you’ve never been part of a group where you were able to bring up a problem you have with someone and have it talked through and resolved with love and integrity, you’ll be so encouraged as you begin to make your way through a clearing session. They teach us what real love and real relationships are made of, and that’s something most of us have not found in many groups we’ve been part of. Nothing is swept under the rug and it is so refreshing each and every time.

If you’re ready to step into the real, consider starting a Thrive group. I had no idea how much it would change our lives, but watching the transformation happen a little bit at at time has made me so grateful that we embarked on this journey.

The Thrive group that I’m part of is now a little over halfway through our second quarter. Our first meeting was on May 18, 2008, five months ago from today. As I was looking through old emails to try to find the exact date I had a good laugh at something that I had written.

I was inviting the people that I felt I was to start the Thrive group with, and I was so afraid that it was going to be a dismal failure. Every single one of us had enough bad experiences with groups that we were all pretty wary. We’d been disappointed so many times that the thought of trying again didn’t have much appeal. On the other hand, we all felt drawn to start to gather together in some way. Have you ever had such a strong sense that you cannot stay where you are, but you don’t really want to move either, being afraid of stepping in the wrong direction? That described us.

So, in deciding to see if maybe Thrive had something to offer us, I wasn’t even vaguely trying to “sell” the idea to anyone, because I had no idea if it was going to tank or fly. In one of my first emails to the people that eventually formed the group I wrote this line: “…this is an experiment and it may end up a disaster.” How’s that for a real vote of confidence? I laughed when I read that because I had forgotten just how little expectation I had that the Thrive materials would lead us into what we were longing for. We were (okay, still are) all so anti-program and anti-structure, but we had also found that just meeting socially to see what would happen didn’t really cut it for us.

Jonathan has often talked to me about the “risk” involved. It wasn’t until I read my comment today about the possibility of things ending up in disaster that I understood why he uses that word. Our fears were: Would we risk being disappointed again? Would we risk being vulnerable with each other? Would we risk hoping one more time? Could we bear it if we tried one more time and it failed miserably? Yes, it was a risk, and a huge one at that.

Five months later I can only say that this has been one of the best risks I’ve ever taken. I’ve never been part of any group like this. The vulnerability, the upholding of each other’s dignity, the rawness of our meetings, the safe haven it provides, the hearts being transformed, and the honesty have all combined to make our gathering together far exceed my hopes.

I felt led to share this in case someone reading this may be considering these materials but is wondering if they will disappoint like everything else you’ve tried. I cannot answer that question for you, but I did want to let you know that I understand the fear of risk that you’re facing. Sometimes it is comforting just to know that someone else has faced the same fear you are now facing when considering stepping into something new. I’ve been there. I understand. It seems it’s an inherent part of risk.