One of the issues that we deal with in life is the ability to resolve conflict.  Where do we go to practice reconciliation? But often we don’t have the spaces that allow us to work through conflict in a whole, restorative way.  We revert to a common fight or flight mechanism that we’ve perfected over our life.  And the cost is our own wholeness, relationship, and even self-inflicted oppression.

As part of Thrive process, we have the clearing round.  It’s the space where we practice stepping into reconciliation and forgiveness.  Sometimes clearing is simply asking for clarity because we need help understanding.  But sometimes it means tearing down the walls that come from the moment someone steps on our dignity.

The following is a letter from a participant who went through the clearing round and found a way through the conflict. We hope that it encourages you to seek out your own restoration and reconciliation.

———————————————————

Guys,

Last night I went home very reflective.  Something happened and I didn’t know quite what it was.  I ended up staying up very late wrestling with my own brokenness that was part of last night.  I don’t like clearings as much as anyone.  As much as I didn’t like (name) calling my bullshit, he was right.  I interrupt people.  And that space of tension used to be impossible for me.  I used to run from it.  And last night I saw that in myself.  I saw that fear that always said, “This is bullshit. Friends hurt you. It really doesn’t work.”  And as I sat with that enemy, that lie, I now realize that it no longer had control over me, or defined me.

And as I wrestled with that I realized that my life has definitely shifted.  We could work through the junk.  We could stay in community and not break apart.  I was comforted by my brothers.  I had a home that could work through the bullshit and still love me.  And as much as I thought that lie had given up, it reared it’s ugly head last night to me.  But he did not win.

And it hit me that it was only going through this experience that I could discover it was no longer true.  Conflict was becoming the space where so much of my own junk was working itself out.  And as much as I don’t like that, I realize that I needed it.  I needed a new story.

I want to thank you all for showing love to me and revealing what Jesus looks like.  Our group has been a deep space of restoration and wholeness for me.  And I recognize that a lot of my restoration would not be possible without you guys.

This morning I downloaded that song (name) brought (which I thought was divine in hindsight – why am I surprised) and was really listening to the words.  And it made me wonder if last night was a revelation.  The words of this song are what happened to me last night.  But in many ways this is my own internal dialog.  It’s the conversation I have and have had with myself regarding my own brokenness.

You can see the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByEy706Ykmg but the recorded version is so much better.

Honestly, can I tell you where I’m at.
Honestly, can I pull the curtain back.
Will you run, if you see how weak I am.

If you don’t see the real me,
You won’t see what mercy’s done
If you don’t see the weakness
You won’t see what love has won.

If you don’t see the distance
from the darkness to the son
You won’t see.

Honestly.

Honestly, I’m growing sick and tired.
Honestly, it hurts too much to hide.
Honestly, the brokenness that’s killing us inside.

If you don’t see the real me,
You won’t see what mercy’s done
If you don’t see the weakness
You won’t see what love has won.

If you don’t see the distance
from the darkness to the son
You won’t see.

Let the light escape
From this hole inside my soul
When I start to break,
Then grace begins to flow

Let the light escape
From this wounded place inside my soul

Honestly.

(name)

The following is a letter to all new leaders who are considering starting or are starting out in the Thrive process. Sometimes we just need a little perspective for the journey. (Excerpt, Leadership Manual, pg 7)

—————————————————

Friends,

I want to welcome you to the missional leadership journey.  Engaging God’s mission of restoration is the journey of a lifetime.  It will stretch you, pull you, push you and twist you in ways that will give life meaning.  You were meant to do this and we at Thrive applaud you for taking the risk.

Much of the leadership questions and processes you will need are here in this manual.  But there is a side to the journey that can never be in the manual.  And that is your specific route.  I want to launch you by telling you a story that describes the freedom to discover that route.

If you live in the twenty-first century you’ve probably tried an online map service.  They’re really great. They provide detailed instructions as well as a picture of what your route to your destination looks like.
A couple of years ago, I took my family on a trip to Disneyland and punched in the route to one of these services.  The site promises to provide me with the best possible route to my destination.  It felt really good leaving with all the information I would need to get there fast.  We left in the morning and hit Los Angeles about 2:30 PM.  It was a hot day.

Little did I know that Highway 5 in Los Angeles is now a parking lot.   Millions of cars were moving at the speed of a slug, all seeming to want to get to the same destination as me.  I honestly could have walked faster.  It was the kind of slow death crawl that brings out the worst in little children.  Mine were not spared.  It felt like a scene out of Chevy Chase’s Vacation.  “When are we going to be there?”  “I’m hot.”  “He touched me.”  Little children are not meant to sit in a car shaped box, strapped in for longer than two hours at a time.

I used to live in Los Angeles and knew of other possible routes, but my memory of the freeway system seemed hazy.  Sensing a need to get out of the parking lot, I took a chance and cut over on some main streets and winged it.  Before I knew it, I was flying down another highway feeling sorry for anyone who had to drive the 5 on a regular basis.  I was a free man, but something troubled me.

You see my map had fooled me into thinking it was THE path to follow.  It had provided me with the best potential route, but it had no way of knowing there was going to be traffic, and heat, and screaming children.  This was a recipe for disaster.  My printout only had this one route, so I was left to inch along the 5 or venture out and try another way.  For most of the route it had served me fine.  It was easy.  But at some point I had to make a decision to detour, mostly for the sake of my sanity.  By doing so, I had opened myself up to getting lost a long the way, but also to potentially a quicker, more effective route.  I took a chance and we got there in once piece.

As you navigate your journey with your group you will often be left with a decision when to discover your own path.  This material is like a map in that it is meant to provide an interesting route to wholeness but it is not the only route.  This is A map.  Not THE map.  This is a very liberating thought when you really think about it.  What this means is that you can take detours, tread new uncharted ground, and figure out a different path along the way.  Just remember that when you venture into uncharted territory there are usually no WalMart along the way.  You may be on your own.  If you do, seek wise counsel along the way.

As you tread along the path, remember that you carry the promise of the Holy Spirit to guide you.  Where ever you go, look to the Holy Spirit to lead you into a rich experience of faith, hope, and ultimately to love.  I encourage you to try new ideas, take chances, and see what works for you.  If you sense the Holy Spirit’s leading you in a direction, which is different from this material, trust the Holy Spirit.  He is your true guide.  This material just provides you with possibilities and options.  You can always come back to it, or even stay with it as it serves you well.  You may find that it is exactly what you need most of the way, or just some of the way.

Blessings on your journey!

Jonathan

[The following is a story from one of the Tribes on what it means to engage maturity.]

Over the last several days I have been having conversations with people about my journey. Significant people I trust. Each of these conversations has been a great dialog that has allowed me to process my experience with someone else.

A friend of mine called me back after our conversation to say that he has noticed a significant change in my personality and demeanor. I was, to say, validated. I have been walking through this journey of love with eyes wide open, not sure if anyone has noticed. Some people have said things, others have not. I’m not worried.

But my friend was intrigued by my change. He asked me what had been the catalyst, or reason for the change. I know my mom’s death had something to do with it. But this would be limiting to say it was the defining thing. Death does have a way of speaking to us, but I know that it was not the only thing. I believe it was a lot of things.

But one event sticks out in my mind. I was in the shower about six weeks ago when I felt like God was asking to grow up. I’m 38 and I’ve been studying the faith journey for at least 12 years, if not longer. I was stunned to say the least. As I pondered the question, I realized that it was that time. In order for me to fully mature in love, I had to let go of my wounded identity. I had to let go of who I was. And I did, right there in the shower.

The unique thing about this was that it wasn’t hard. Actually I’ve been processing this for as long as I can remember. But now I was willing to let it go. I think I was just ready.

The funny thing is that when I did, it was awesome. It felt like a rebirth. I liken it to letting go of a thousand pound weight. My burden was light again. I now ask myself why I had waited so long to embrace who I was becoming as a mature person of faith. I guess I was just ready.

My friend shared with me a really great observation. He told me of the story of the blind man at the pool, which I’ve heard many times.

6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” 7“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

My friend made an interesting observation about the blind man. Instead of responding “Yes, I want to get well,” which was the question, he makes an excuse. Pow it hit me, upside the head like a knockout punch. How many times have I made excuses rather than just saying, “Yes, I want to get well.”

To be honest, the guy reminded me of myself. When it really came to change, I didn’t want to. It’s easier to live in the identity of wounded person because my wounds provided me with an excuse for my humanity. I was just doing what I was supposed to.

I’m actually glad I made the choice to grow up. I like this place better. I don’t want to sit on the mat anymore and make excuses. I want to love. I want to feel his presence in my life, joy, healing, purpose and love. The reality is that these were not prevailing traits of my life before my decision to grow up.

When I turn to my son and I see a four year old boy, I shudder to think of him growing up physically but never maturing beyond four years old. It would crush me if he were stunted in this age, as fun, and charming, and great as it is right now. I want him to grow up and become who God designed him to really be. To live valiantly, to love deeply, to pursue his purpose with passionate resolve. I just don’t think he can become this person as a four year old.

It’s hard to grow up. Not in a literal sense. Our bodies biological process happens regardless of our choice. I speaking of our maturity of heart. When wounds cripple us, it becomes something that takes courage to really step into. I want that for me, for my son, for those I come in contact with. Why? Because I believe that it is in maturity of heart that we love deeply, which is the fully expression of who we are as humans.

And I want to become that person. Do you?

I often wrestle with the idea of evangelism.  Is it a conversation, a lifestyle, a message, a story, or all of the above?  My desire in exploring the concept is simply to connect in some ways with people’s hearts.

And over time I have come to understand that what draws the heart in like no other is the simple question, “Are you interested in being loved?”  So much of the journey in following Jesus begins not with practicing love, but in practicing being loved. Because it is when we embrace love that we can then love.

Are we willing to tear down the obstacles we’ve created to engage relationship with the one who created us?  Are we willing to explore our own brokenness in the face of a God who could condemn us but instead chose to restore us?  Are we willing to let go of our brokenness which is a terrible story to live in and discover the life that Jesus offers, one defined by love and trust?

The choice is up to you?

As human beings we live in stories.  The Bible is one grand story.  A central part of the journey is hearing our own stories.  To help foster this approach, each teaching includes a story of real life, one that hopefully captures the dissonance, joy, tension, and wonder we all face. The following story is from the Q4 Workbook – When God Breaks In,  pg 20-21.

——————————————————-

4.02 – Stories – Sign

As the doors burst open to reveal a small crowd of onlookers, a large Italian woman held a small sign that read, “Bianchi”. Derek noticed it but thought nothing of it, looking only for the correct aisle where his baggage would come out. Normally he only carried an overnight bag but this trip required a longer stay. And because of that fact he was tired and wished his bag were the first to come out.

He noticed his flight number on the board and began walking toward it when he heard a scream behind him. He turned to see another younger Italian woman, whom he recognized from the plane, almost tackling the woman with the sign. The two immediately hugged and started crying beyond what two people would normally do. The older woman picked up the younger and twirled her around. Their sobbing seemed to grow more pronounced as the moments went by.

Derek’s curiosity grew and he stepped back to see what the meeting was about. For at least 30 seconds the two did nothing more than hug and cry profusely. At one point the older Italian woman pulled away to look at the younger woman, caressing her face and looking into here eyes. The crowd around them had stopped, all wondering what the moment had meant.

Derek approached the outer circle of onlookers and asked the gentleman next to him, “Do you know what its
about?”

“No,” the man said. “But it must be something interesting?”

Derek looked around and spotted an opening in the crowd and circled to get a closer look. Other family members were also there and they were all talking with elated smiles and a few tears. Derek pressed through the crowd and found his opening almost next to the woman.

“You know I never wanted this to happen,” the older woman said to the younger.

“I know,” the younger woman said, crying again.

Derek looked at the woman next to him who shrugged her shoulders as if to say, “I don’t know either.”

The older woman kissed the younger woman’s forehead and then crossed herself as if to pray and bless the
moment. She said something in Italian.

The younger woman wiped away the tears and finally noticed the crowd around them. She laughed at the moment and then addressed the crowd.  “She’s my real mom, and I have never seen her before,” she said, almost embarrassed.  The two hugged again.

For some reason Derek couldn’t help but applaud and the crowd joined right in.  His heart rose to the moment as if to connect to the younger Italian woman’s joy and pain.  A tear fell from his cheek.  In a single moment this woman had experienced more emotional connection with a mother she never knew than he ever had in forty-two years with his own father.