Just One More Try
What if you gave it just one more try?
I often hear from others how they are longing for close relationships. They wish they had a group of people they could meet with where genuine closeness could develop. Whether interacting with people online or in real life, the same cry rises up again and again: “Why can’t I find a group of people where I can be myself, where I can truly be known, and can really come to know others?” Many are longing for intimacy, for that safe space where they can be authentic and vulnerable, allowing their true selves to be seen and embraced by others.
With so many people wanting the same thing, why is it that so few are able to find this? It seems a very common longing, so you’d think no matter where you would turn it would be easy to find, but that just isn’t so. I think I’m beginning to discover the answer: Even though we are created for intimacy and we long for it, very few of us actually know how to enter into that type of relationship.
Longing for something doesn’t make it magically appear. I know that has certainly been true of the group I meet with. We had tried different forms of meetings for over a decade. We tried “organic” meetings where we determined that Christ alone would be the head of the meeting. We had many dinners and bonfires together. We did bible and book studies. We had prayer meetings. We had nights of worship. Furthermore, prior to that decade of attempts many of us had been part of cell groups, home fellowships, and small group studies. Many of these things were good and we certainly grew a little closer together throughout the years. However, we never gained what all of us were longing for. If effort and desire alone could produce genuine, authentic, deep vulnerability and intimacy we would have had them long ago. Words alone cannot describe the incredible commitment we had to finding what we were all looking for. Despite our commitment, it still was nowhere to be found.
We humans were created for intimacy, first with our creator and second with one another. It’s a longing in us no matter what culture we come from. But that deep longing by itself does not mean we will find the fulfillment of the desire of our heart. In fact, I believe that part of living in a fallen world ensures that we are not likely to stumble upon it even though the desire may be very strong within us. Most of us simply do not know how to have genuinely authentic, healing relationships with one another despite our earnest desire.
Our group has finally found what we have been longing for as we have learned how to develop a safe space of upholding each other’s dignity while being extremely vulnerable with each other. Here’s the surprise for me: It can be learned. We needed someone to teach us how to go down the path of vulnerability and authenticity together. We needed to learn how to navigate the brokenness that is in each of us in a way that brings restoration and wholeness, both to the individual and to the group. We needed someone to tell us that it was going to be very messy, chaotic at times, and show us how to navigate through the chaos. What we needed has come forth from our hearts as we’ve gone through the Thrive materials week after week.
This journey has enabled us all to be able crack open our hearts to reveal the deepest, most fearful and vulnerable parts of ourselves to one another. The questions asked called us out of hiding. The teachings made it safe to start to walk into the light. We had to be taught how to enter into what the Thrive materials call “communitas,” a place beyond just gathering together and having “fellowship” that moves us into restoration of our wounded hearts and lives, together. All of our effort and desire were of no value in getting us to where we wanted to be until we were led on this path of relating in new ways.
If you have the desire to meet in a real, authentic, and safe space but have tried and failed to achieve that more times than you care to admit, I’d invite you to try just one more time. Without exception, every single person in our group is so glad we took the risk to explore one more avenue. It turned out to be exactly what we needed and longed for.
I want to invite you to open your heart to the possibility that you, too, could learn with a group of people how to be authentic, real, and vulnerable as you walk the path of restoration together. It is such a remarkable journey.
Tracy,
I’m reminded of the movie Wanted, where the hero volunteers over and over again to be tied up and beaten, all the while, his assailants (the “good guys”) ask him “Why are you here?” Everyone knows he’s looking for something better, but what?
The beatings don’t stop though, until he finally confesses “I don’t know.” Of course, we are not always being beaten up, but when we are, shouldn’t we ask the same question? Or, be in a community that cares enough to ask it for us? The question, is what drives me through the messiness and chaos of authentic relationship and life. Over and over, I confess, “I don’t know” and on the other side of the chaos, I find the answer. I’m here to love. Then only the action is in question. “Lord, what do I do with this?”
In most communities, we never volunteer and show our weakness. We run or posture or fight for protection/position/rank/pecking order. We never volunteer, we never get asked the question. What are we supposed to do with that? Thank you for reminding me to volunteer, ask the question, seek the answer and take action. It’s always been worth it.
Mike
Mike, “Wanted” is in my netflix queue and I think I’ll have to move it up the list
. That’s a very powerful image.
I really like what you wrote here: “…we never get asked the question.” I think that is why I love the Thrive materials so much: The ask lots of questions and the answers that come forth often reveal ourselves to us in ways we did not even suspect before. So powerful. Even better, often we start out with “I don’t know,” but end up at a very different answer down the road.
You’ve made me think even deeper about this–thanks.
hello my friend!
wonderful insight about the reality and paradox of longing to be known and yet the obstacles in this life that we bump up against in that pursuit, no matter how valiant or tenacious.
I just finished up watching another season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew. The rehab experience involves so much exploration of past wounds and traumas that requires much vulnerability. Yet we are not ultimately defined by our woundedness. I think openness about our brokenness is healthy with safe and loving and people, and yet it still does not entirely reveal the reality of who we are beyond the scars and scabs of our souls. I am heartened to hear that your group of friends have stayed the course, committed to discovering even a glimpse of true knowledge about one another. Most people most of the time do not have the treasure of a group like yours. Yet I think this is what true spiritual fellowship, aka Church, is meant to be.
I love that you have a long history with a specific group of people in this pursuit. Awesome!
And what is Thrive? I’ll poke around this site to learn more. Feel free to email what Thrive is about for you and your group.
{hug}
Pam, you are very much hitting on so much of what Thrive materials do: Rather than be the sum of our wounds, they guide us into calling each other out to our highest dignity, to who we were truly created to be. The wounds are exposed, uncovered, healed so that we can stand in the fullness of our dignity, shining under the brilliance of His love. It truly is an amazing journey. I’ve written two other posts on Thrive here:
http://thriven.org/author/tracysimmons/
(Scroll down to see the other two as this post is at the top.)
I’ll email you, Pam, and tell you a bit more, but just want to say here that this has been such a powerful way to have those deep intimacies with one another that we all long for. It invites us on a journey to explore how to fight FOR each other, and it is incredible as I watch it happen week after week. It’s just so beautiful and powerful every single time we gather. It’s REAL, even when it’s messy, and isn’t that what all of our hearts cry out for?
I really wish I could capture in bottle form what happens week after week so others could experience it and then they would so desire to go and start their own Thrive group. It is so powerful, it is achingly beautiful, and love seems to weave it all together. This from a group of people that are broken and messy and not at all religious
. My motto is: If we can do this, anyone can!
More in an email to you tomorrow.
Hugs right back at you!