What is a Father?  We ask this question, don’t we?

One of the central relationships we deal with in Thrive groups is our relationship with a “Father”.  For many this is a troublesome, even loaded word.  It may include ignorance, rejection, and even abuse.  We suffer the unintended consequences of another person’s brokenness.  We arrive with a story about a relationship with a man who didn’t always know what he was doing. The smoldering sting of our father’s words haunt us in ways we can’t understand.

We simply long to hear the words, “You are worth it,” or “I love you.”

And to make matters worse, many of us are struggling with what it means to be a father.  The story we have about what it means is often something we don’t know how to deal with.  So we passively reject the story we’ve been given by our Father, one that includes rejection itself.  And in it’s absence we try and figure it out on our own, drowning at times under our own fear of failure. We know what the consequences are.  We’ve lived them.

But this rejection of our own story has a way of continuously perpetuating itself.  A father’s inability to understand what to do is often interpreted as something more than it is.  What the child hears is what we heard.  “You are not worth it.”  And as a four year old child, how would we know that our father was scared to death, trembling at the weight of what it means to parent another soul.  How would we know that the silence was a frozen confusion, perpetuating itself into an angry fear.

Little do we know that the loss we feel is the same loss our Father’s felt from their fathers.  The story has a way of repeating itself, over and over and over again. This is the father wound.

What is profound about the narrative in Scripture is that God identifies Himself as Father.  He actively seeks out a relationship, once that calls us to restoration, wholeness and maturity.  And as followers of Jesus, we are first called to restore this relationship, with our Heavenly Father.  This journey is often fraught with fear, and can include a step into and through the pain of this wound.  But it is this first relationship with the Father that validates us, loves us and restores us.

Two thirds of Scripture is God actively seeking out His children.  And the pinnacle of the story is God the Father actively revealing Himself through His Son Jesus, the Imago Dei.  And the more we get to know Jesus, the more we begin to realize that He’s not like what we’re used to.  He’s longs to spend time with us, restore us to wholeness, and see us mature.  His love for us reveals that we are worth it.

So rewriting our story becomes the journey.  Seeing this love in our tribe becomes the chapters.  And embracing His love becomes our salvation.

One of the more valuable spaces we learned to create was the process of check-in.  It’s the fourth part of the protocol that allows us to take 5-10 minutes really processing where we are at before moving ahead. With the exception of the first one, the questions change over time to address the focus of the quarter. Check-in requires us to slow down and really listen to our heart.  It requires us to really listen to the mood or story we are bringing to the group as opposed to just rushing right in.

We usually pick two questions, how we are checking in, and one other one, to share out loud to the group, but no storytelling. We also provide an emotions chart with definitions, which allows us to really process what emotions we are experiencing at the moment.  It really helps become emotionally aware.

A large part of spiritual formation is the process of becoming self-aware and learning to really listen to the heart, as opposed to just the head.  So much of the pain in life calls us to shut down the heart.  This process helps open it back up.

The round usually leads to some insight into each person that we didn’t know.  It allows us to seek what is at the heart level and if something really needs to come out in the work round.

Here is a sample of the check in questions. The workbooks have space to answer the question each week.

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3.02 – Reflection Questions

Instructions: Spend five to ten minutes reflecting on your own life and answer the following questions as honestly as you can.

1. How am I checking in?  Try to identify the story or mood that I am bringing to the group meeting.  How do I feel right now?  What emotion comes up (ex: happy, fearful, anxiety, angry, content)?  Briefly explain why.

2. How did I experience God this week?

3. How is God speaking to me?  Am I listening?

4. If I were to reflect on something in my life that is frustrating or not quite right I would look at (fill in answer).

5. What is one way I can begin to let God love me?

What if you gave it just one more try?

I often hear from others how they are longing for close relationships. They wish they had a group of people they could meet with where genuine closeness could develop. Whether interacting with people online or in real life, the same cry rises up again and again: “Why can’t I find a group of people where I can be myself, where I can truly be known, and can really come to know others?” Many are longing for intimacy, for that safe space where they can be authentic and vulnerable, allowing their true selves to be seen and embraced by others.

With so many people wanting the same thing, why is it that so few are able to find this? It seems a very common longing, so you’d think no matter where you would turn it would be easy to find, but that just isn’t so. I think I’m beginning to discover the answer: Even though we are created for intimacy and we long for it, very few of us actually know how to enter into that type of relationship.

Longing for something doesn’t make it magically appear. I know that has certainly been true of the group I meet with. We had tried different forms of meetings for over a decade. We tried “organic” meetings where we determined that Christ alone would be the head of the meeting. We had many dinners and bonfires together. We did bible and book studies. We had prayer meetings. We had nights of worship. Furthermore, prior to that decade of attempts many of us had been part of cell groups, home fellowships, and small group studies. Many of these things were good and we certainly grew a little closer together throughout the years. However, we never gained what all of us were longing for. If effort and desire alone could produce genuine, authentic, deep vulnerability and intimacy we would have had them long ago. Words alone cannot describe the incredible commitment we had to finding what we were all looking for. Despite our commitment, it still was nowhere to be found.

We humans were created for intimacy, first with our creator and second with one another. It’s a longing in us no matter what culture we come from. But that deep longing by itself does not mean we will find the fulfillment of the desire of our heart. In fact, I believe that part of living in a fallen world ensures that we are not likely to stumble upon it even though the desire may be very strong within us. Most of us simply do not know how to have genuinely authentic, healing relationships with one another despite our earnest desire.

Our group has finally found what we have been longing for as we have learned how to develop a safe space of upholding each other’s dignity while being extremely vulnerable with each other. Here’s the surprise for me: It can be learned. We needed someone to teach us how to go down the path of vulnerability and authenticity together. We needed to learn how to navigate the brokenness that is in each of us in a way that brings restoration and wholeness, both to the individual and to the group. We needed someone to tell us that it was going to be very messy, chaotic at times, and show us how to navigate through the chaos. What we needed has come forth from our hearts as we’ve gone through the Thrive materials week after week.

This journey has enabled us all to be able crack open our hearts to reveal the deepest, most fearful and vulnerable parts of ourselves to one another. The questions asked called us out of hiding. The teachings made it safe to start to walk into the light. We had to be taught how to enter into what the Thrive materials call “communitas,” a place beyond just gathering together and having “fellowship” that moves us into restoration of our wounded hearts and lives, together. All of our effort and desire were of no value in getting us to where we wanted to be until we were led on this path of relating in new ways.

If you have the desire to meet in a real, authentic, and safe space but have tried and failed to achieve that more times than you care to admit, I’d invite you to try just one more time. Without exception, every single person in our group is so glad we took the risk to explore one more avenue. It turned out to be exactly what we needed and longed for.

I want to invite you to open your heart to the possibility that you, too, could learn with a group of people how to be authentic, real, and vulnerable as you walk the path of restoration together. It is such a remarkable journey.

What if there was only seven people that gathered as the church? Would seven be enough? Would Jesus still show up? Would Jesus still care? Would grace still appear? Would deep worship take place? Would an awe settle in? Would lives be changed? Would transformation happen? Would healing be present in hearts? Would the good news still be heard, lived, and experienced? Would Jesus and his way still be followed?  What if only seven gathered?

What if only seven people met as the church? Would Jesus still have died? Would God turned an ear? The Holy Spirit, would she reveal herself in flames and tongues once more? Would the atonement of all mankind still have happened if only seven ever listened and gathered? Would it? Would seven be enough?

I think it would be because all I know is a few nights ago seven of us met in a living room and experienced healing, and love, and God, and grace, and joy, and companionship, and brotherhood, and celebration, and a deep sense of awe like few of us have before.

It was a casual evening for our Thrive group as we were simply sharing a meal and catching up on each other’s lives a bit. To be honest I was just looking forward to the fellowship of some friends I hadn’t seen for a while (we are taking a break for the holidays until January). As the seven of us trickled in we clumped together to enjoy fellowship—some outside around the barbecuing tri-tip, some inside around the mashing of garlic potatoes, some just lounging at the breakfast bar enjoying wine. As the meal prep was finishing up a couple of us gathered around the table and a discussion of forgiveness and the atonement ensued. Some talked, others listened. The meal was placed on the table, someone quoted scripture from memory for our prayer and we ate and celebrated and laughed.

After dinner we cleaned up and I sat on the couch. I was a bit tired and sore so I mostly observed a conversation between two men about the issues going on in one of the man’s life. I was extremely blessed by simply listening to the honest and heart-felt dialogue/ministry taking place. Soon we were all gathered in the living room. The plan was to do an extended check in to see where each man was at and then watch a clip from the movie, The Mission. But God had other plans. It seemed as if one man in particular was heavily troubled. We asked him about it and he just opened up. Each man listened and when prompted by the Spirit offered council or asked a question or simply continued listening, quietly showing support. The Spirit’s presence and wisdom was clearly felt. We then circled around the man, laid our hands on him and prayed for him. The quietness after the prayer hung in the air like a light mist.

Our casual Thrive meal lasted nearly 4-hours as each man said their goodbyes and trickled back out the door. I and another were the last to leave and we spent a good ten minutes standing in the cold air by my Jeep recalling the night and the deep sense of awe we were feeling. I quietly drove home with no radio and let the evening sink into my heart.

Would seven be enough?

That evening God seemed to shout a resounding, Yes!

What is the cost of restoring a heart?

I had a conversation this morning with someone who shares my interest in Missio Dei and engaging God’s mission of restoration and reconciliation. She was recounting the cost of missional discipleship and the cost of staying within the mission. To engage someone in the heart means we have to deal with all the junk and the pain. In certain cases we fight for people even when they don’t want to fight for themselves. And the person we’re fighting for turns on us because they somehow misunderstood us. And we even know that they are blind to what they are doing. We know they can’t see the lashing out and running away, or the apathy is their own well established defense mechanisms at work. But we can see it. We can see the cost all of the drama is having on those around them, and within us.

And the wounds we encounter in discipleship can sometimes bring out the worst in us. We somehow lose our capacity to respond from a place of love, rather a place of dodging the B.S. Rumors fly and the gossip mill gets running at full speed. People we thought we knew well begin to wonder with a tilt of their head and a furrow in their brow, all from the grandstands.  We have to spend the time picking up the broken pieces left by those who left, never allowing us the space to reconcile, much less defend ourselves. And our own hearts begin to wonder if it is all really worth it.

At certain points we encounter those moments when it would just be so much easier to just stop fighting for people’s hearts and let them go.  And in a lot of cases it means letting people completely go, out into the world and out of relationship. We experience the messiness of our wounds and junk and sometimes just want to give up. This is the temptation within the mission, that the cost is just too high, the enemy inviting us into the comfortable places of the sideline.  And mind you, these are all people within the body of Christ, working out the winter chill of confrontation.

And in this space, I begin to wonder if it is easier to restore someone’s front yard than it is to restore a heart? Is it easier to serve as an usher and pass the plate? Is it easier to simply sit in the pew and listen, never speaking anything more than the company line. Because there is a right answer that allows us to hide. There is a right answer that allows us to live in the safe confines of our plastic self, never experiencing any fear or pain. We’ve had enough of that, haven’t we? We can spend lifetimes listening to the Gospel and never really experiencing the Gospel.

And the more I follow Jesus, the more I realize that He is inviting me into a painful journey. My mentor often says, “Its like surgery.” But in the mystery of the Gospel, the pain is restoring my soul. It’s inviting me into facing my fears so they don’t define me. It’s removing the junk that keeps me locked in isolation and loneliness. It’s removing those things that keep me from being the beautiful reflection of my Heavenly Father. And He did it because I’m worth it to Him. But in that very principle, he calls me to see my neighbor, good friend, even my broken enemy as worth it. My restoration is then intimately tied to restoring those around me. The more I step into who I really am, validating the dignity of those around me, the more I validate my own.

I’ve been following Jesus for a long time, and the longer I do, the more I begin to see that the cost of restoring a heart is worth it, which is why I need community. I need people around me on the journey reminding me why I do this. I need people who can help me when I fall, and restore me to wholeness and how He sees me.

And then I am reminded of why I do all of this. I want to know. I want to know what it means to love deeply, and not from a place of co-dependence or searching for validation, but of restoration. I want to know the love of the Father that would allow me to go to the cross freely in trust, to give up what He is asking me for. I want to see me as He sees me, His beloved child. I want to live my life, not defined by what Adam did, but by what Jesus did. I want to know the wisdom of what it means to take up my cross and follow him. I want to be part of something bigger than just me. I want to see the look on my friends faces the moment they allow a simple truth to penetrate their hearts, that God really, really, really does love them more than they can imagine.

So, I ask, what do you really want?

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Jonathan Brink is the Managing Director of Thrive Ministires.  He lives in Folsom, Ca with his wife and three kids.  He loves Sharks hockey, Peets coffee and good sushi.

Billy Corgan, of Smashing Pumpkins, was interviewed in Risen Magazine and there’s an interesting exchange that caught my attention.

Risen Magazine: What do you look for in a friend?

Corgan: That they won’t leave; they really won’t leave.  I can’t say that about too many people.  If someone could peer into our darkest recess, would they stil love us?

We’re all looking for that aren’t we?  We’re looking for people who won’t leave. We’re looking for people who can look past our brokenness and see our dignity and and value; who can love.  These types of friends are very hard to find.

But not impossible.

This is part of what we are creating at Thrive.  We’re not just a small group program, but a space to create relationships of real value.  This space isn’t just authentic community, which has significant value.  It’s deeper than that.  It’s called communitas.   It’s a space to work through our brokenness and to experience that love in community; to see that type of love played out.  We believe that the fullest reflection of our humanity is to be that love to each other.

What is interesting about this type of experience is that it usually requires being a participant.  In other words, if you want to experience it, you also have to be willing to be that type of friend.  And this is the tension in the journey.  We know we want to be loved, but are we also willing to take the risk to be love for those around us when they need it.  Are we willing to reciprocate at just the right moment?

The risk is real.  People do walk away.  People do hurt us and leave.  But it doesn’t always have to be like this.  It is possible to create a space where people don’t leave.  And when it happens, we stand in awe of the presence of God.  We feel His touch in a way that leaves us transformed.

If you are looking to create this type of space, we can help.  Contact us today to get a free digital copy of our leadership manual.

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Jonathan Brink is the Managing Director of Thrive Ministires.  He lives in Folsom, Ca with his wife and three kids.  He loves Sharks hockey, Peets coffee and good sushi.

Have you ever wrestled with the idea of the priesthood of all believers?  I have.

While my story is different, I get the feeling this chapter is all too common. I have been witness to the most profound, life-changing, and moving event in my life. It was liberating, eye-opening, and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Who wouldn’t want to share that? Who wouldn’t want all to know this rapture? Who would be reluctant to spread the word of this to all that would listen? Me, that’s who, over here, yea me, the guy who looks like every other Christian, acts like every other Christian, and quite possibly is every other Christian.

Yes, I know I’m called to spread the good news: Mark 16:15 (NIV) He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.” I actually do want to spread the good news and I try to do my best. It seems, however, the world and those around me are even more unsure of when and how, than I am. I have a memory of a man on the street corner in Pasadena, Texas on every Sunday morning at 7am preaching through a megaphone. No one is listening, no one is seeing but, he is fulfilling the call! Or, is he? It’s not really for me to say, but I do know, I don’t want to be that guy. I would rather my words be few, my arrow be true, than to have those around me tune me out like the always yelling parent.

Yet, even those few true words I resist. I want so badly to restore those I love, to free them from the captivity and oppression. To show them God’s Love through words as well as action. If they would just listen, open their eyes, feel my heart, they would know. But the fear holds me back. The fear that I don’t know enough, I hold no degree. The fear that I haven’t the experience; it’s been only a couple of years since I came to Christ. Fear that I will be judged. “Bible Thumper” is a term that comes to mind. And then there is the issue of my own restoration. How can I speak of the wonders of our Lord when I still turn away from Him? To lead a sentence with an apology is something I’m no longer comfortable with. “While I’ve only been a Christian for a short period of time..” I find myself saying that all too often.

Still, the burning desire to spread God’s Love through words pulses through me. Sometimes I want to take people by the shoulders, shake them, look them in the eye and say “You are deeply and profoundly loved! Open your eyes and see Him and you will know His love!” My friends would be few and my family would be far if I followed my own desire here. How many times have you heard wisdom being “yelled” at you? More importantly, how many times did you listen?

So, I struggle and I pray. “What words do I speak Lord?” How does a guy like me, still learning the word, inexperienced in spreading His wisdom, and unwilling to undergo the scrutiny; bring redemption to those that need it most? He answers me: “Through patience and [most of all] Love.”

Patience, are you kidding me? I’m middle aged; I don’t have time for patience! My kids are growing up so quickly, they need Jesus NOW! OK, OK, I get it, patience. Love I also get. Give the Love He has given me. Someone once said “Love is a verb”. “Love is God in action” would be another way to put it. So what about action? What do you want me to do Lord? “Just Love” He tells me. So if I love someone, the words God wants me to speak will come? Hmmm, that’s actually a relief! It takes the pressure off. I’m just a man. What wisdom do I have without You, oh Lord? I will let the Wisdom into my heart. I will share his Love with courage and take action.

1 Peter 2:4 As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him— 5 you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

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Mike Reynolds is a participant in a Thrive Group.  He lives in Folsom, Ca with his wife, two daughters and a short Daschund named Charlie.